Life was what happened :)

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

I sat down tonight on my desk willing myself to read up on the next day’s lecture, but somehow or rather, the passage we shared today after cell group has been on my mind the whole evening. So yeap, here I am sharing my thoughts on why it has been on my mind, and what this passage means to me.

It’s been a tough year for me, tough in a sense, that it has been emotionally draining, challenging and there were many a times I felt very much alone, very hurt, very weak, and just very dissapointed. I guess it’s those kind of time you really feel like disappearing, when you feel like you’ve given your all and have no more to givee. That all you wish to do was to make the hurt go away and to just put it out plain and simple, to just hate.

but life isn’t like that is it?

it’s complicated.

how can someone be the way they are?
why are they hurting me?
how do I forgive?
how do I forget?
why do things turn out the way they are?
why can’t they go away?
how do I mend the relationship?
how do I recover?
what did I do to deserve this?

Love.
What is love? Define love?

For the past few times I’ve attended prayer sessions and listening to the homily, the passages that were read and shared, I can’t help but draw them back to my past. To whatever grudge or guilt that I am still carrying, and some how or rather after today’s sharing, I’ve just realised that the more I spoke about the person, the event, the more I declared bluntly how much I’ve detest the actions of this individual, or however much I tell people I’m okay and that I’m over it… It just goes to show, how much I’m NOT over the issue. Ego aside, I’ve realised that I’m still carrying so much hurt, and the more I focused on all the hurt, the more I kept repeating stories, the more I try to gain ’support’ from my peers, the further I brought myself away from God. I speak about growing up, I speak about maturity, about having faith, about true love, about hope and heck, I speak about forgiveness even! And I realised today, I’m not near the values that I hold dear to my heart, I was ‘cheating’ myself in thinking that my actions, anger, and dissapointment were justified.

I would have said, I don’t know what is love, which is more or less true..and then I read this passage. And it shares so much about what love is, but to feel love as it is, it’s a totally different level. I suppose the only person I can draw such unconditional love would be from God. To think of all the sins I’ve done, to think of the times I must have dissapointed Him, and yet the love from Him will always be there, and will always be around to fill my empty heart whenever I call on Him, is something that amazes me lah. It’s simple, God is love.

Haha, seriously, I am not one who talks so openly about my religion and things like that. usually. Honestly speaking, I don’t. But today after CG and after the past few times of these gentle reminder, perhaps from God himself, I was just so compounded to write a whole blog post on Him. It’s because all that I do, all that I’ve been apart of, and all the readings have somehow been drawn to this ‘burden’ that I, subconciously, been carrying.

I’d like very much to forgive. I know alot of us with a past would. I would like very much to be able to be what He wants me to be, but it’s easier said than done.

WWJD. We say we do things because we want to, because it’s the right thing to do, but how often does the things we do come unconditionally? how often is it done out of love? How often do we smile and offer hello to the person who has irritated, annoyed, and we don’t really like the person anyway, but we say hi, because, you know.. it’s the ‘right’, ‘polite’ things to do, and perhaps I may need his/her help in the future anyway… heh. thinking about all these things and how I’ve been through this whole cycle many a times in my life, puts me to shame..

Everything happens for a reason. And I suppose my incident happen, allowed me to grow deeper spiritually, to finally allow myself to be guided by God, to finally listen to what He has been teaching all these while. Closure? I hope this is, so that it can make way for greater things. I pray that my love for Him will allow me to let go of my past, to be a better person, to do things out of love, to lovee my neighbours and my enemies.

Sometimes we may never know why we are put through certain trials and tribulations, and ‘the why me’ syndrome often takes a hold on our thoughts, perhaps it’ll ease the process by knowing that you’re not alone, and the power of prayer does amazing things. I also know that this is probably not the only time I’ll be hurt and upset, and so are many of my closest friends going through their own hardships, but it helps to know that He still speaks to me in different ways, that I know He’s there reminding me of the person I should be, and the person I want to be.

So enough of hurting, enough of the bitching, perhaps it’s about time to let it go.

hope i’m making sense :))