i had a dream. a very strange dream, that’s actually strange and at the same time quite confusing. i dreamt that i was in a kitchen, in an apron, baking. baking cookies. i wasn’t the only person in the dream, i dreamt of a kid there too. a kid. whom i’m going to assume that it’s my kid, and not some random child who decided to come into my house to bake cookies with me. you see, i’m quite happy that i was actually baking cookies, i’m a cookie person, i like cookies. i have cookies for every occasion, when i’m happy, sad, stressed, angry. yes, i’m very much a cookie person, its like my comfort food.

oh yay. zyin blinked on.

anyhow. to those of you wondering ( hint hint) no i did not actually remember the face of the child. which i would rather much like to.. oh yes, and seeing who the husband is -___-! the thing is about dreaming, is when you want to remember the important details in a dream when you finally wake up, you can’t. its like this teasing game the sandman plays, the haha! too bad for you! kind of feeling. instead of that important part, i remember the very motherly floral print on my apron. imagine that, i’m 19 for pete’s sake, and i’m dreaming of baking with a kid??!! what happen to big big dreams, of saving the world, and having a career, and travelling to places, and you give me a DREAM with A KID and BAKING??!!! no, i did not see a husband, so it might be after all, a random kid and i was doing charity work. ya rite, pfffft, baking for ONE kid will consider as doing charity work. no, its not that i’m complaining, but, you know they say dreams are what you really want deep deep deep inside… which comes the confusing part.

oh yay. bin blinked on.

so back to the story. in my dream i know i was happy. not just the happy happy i usually am, but the kind of happy, which is sort of infectious and lasts for the rest of the day; the contented happy, that sort of thing. and so i think i’m growing up too fast for my own head to register. no, not that i’m going to elope and get married to the next man i see on the streets, but growing up too fast in the sense that, i just really would like things to slow down. yes, things have bee pretty slow for me in the past few days of my holiday, but, i still feel that 19 seems like so far away. one minute i’m doing my college applications, and now i’m having interviews with uni. so whats after that? uni. get a degree. get a job. get married. have kids. and then what? wait to die??!! thats like what three more steps awaaaay!! and i’m not ready!

so this got me thinking. you know, i have this world map placed right in front of me on my desk in my study room i love travelling, seeing new places and learning, and i’m very happy to be hopping around the world in 80 days or more. to think that i’m dreaming of being a contented housewife living in the suburban area ( then again, i’m only assuming) kind of, makes me wonder, how do you know if where you’re suppose to go, what you’re suppose to be, is really where you’re suppose to go and be? you know if i had a dream of myself toiling my life away in front of a desk in a lab coat, i probably wouldn’t be as inquisitive as i am now. the thing is, i’ve been so caught up in this dream of becoming a dr, that i never, cannot, imagine myselfbeing some thing else. take being a doting housewife for example. a friend actually suggested it, and he might as well suggest that i throw away all my years of burning the midnight oil and money well spent on tuition fees. heck, even my dad who suggested i take up engineering, even got that ‘look’ of disbelief from me. you see, i’m so caught up in this dream i’ve been blindly chasing, taht until this point, i don’t know if its me who is chasing it, or th countles of freinds and family who dream of it together with me. sure, no doubt about it, i do want to be a doctor, and a good one in fact, but i also wonder if i can make it say as a politician, a comedian, an engineer, a cook, a businesswoman and a housewife?

what am i suppose to be. how am i suppose to get from point A to point B?

so you see, until this stage, i’m still struggling to make sense of all my studying, on how lac operons work, or why certain carbon sometimes can conduct electricity and Newton’s law of gravitation…still doing Alvls and still procrastinating since erm, about four hours ago. seriously. i should get back to just studying, instead of wondering.

what happened to all our innocence… when was falling in love actually became a problem? when was it that leaving my house gate open actually pose a threat to my safety? when was it that having a child, actually was looked down upon? when was dreaming of becoming a chef/cook not commendable? and when were we 19 year olds expected to grow up from one mintue of being a school girl with braids to a grown lady with a mind set, purpose and direction?

to think that my friend once told me that she had to study, and become a professional, and earn a very good amount of money, just in case her husband turned out to be some jackass, so that she could support her family in the near future. i mean, waaaseh, now we even have plan B in having a happily married life. what happened to happily ever after? to fairy tale endings?

neh. this is just reality. to hold on to as long as we can, the innocence that we were born with, the childlike questions, and having fun along the way. this is part of just growing up. this is the part where i realised that its really just stupid to wish i was 10 all over again. and this is the part where we all, those reading it alike, will sigh in agreement.

haha! i better start planning a plan B, C and D… and get some baking lessons. what? i can’t wish and hope that i become a good wife/ mother now is it? i’m just following my dreams *smirk* :)